10 Things I’ve Learned about Myself by Loving Others

1. I do not feel safe when someone yells uncontrollably at me or angrily demands immediate answers. It feels like an interrogation and it triggers my memories of growing up with domestic violence. If this is your kink then please play that game with someone else. You can totally scratch me, bite me, tie me up, pound hard on my chest, and even choke me but don’t fucking yell at me.

2. I freeze emotionally and physically when someone sobs hysterically, especially in public places. I want to be that person who provides comfort in this situation but I don’t know why loud crying (as in the sound of someone getting tortured) brings me to a stopping point.

3. I need extra time to process my feelings and thoughts on major issues. I often wage war with finding out HOW I really feel and expressing feelings I think the other person wants or that I aspire to have. It turns out that I excel at self sacrificing. I think I’m genetically modified to be a martyr. It runs in my family.

4. I don’t do sudden change well but I have the courage and strength to eventually adapt.

5. I’m afraid of spontaneity. See #4.

6. Shame is my dark passenger. It’s like a giant beast strapped to my back that I try not to feed anymore but it happens. I’m a sucker for animals of all types.

7. I don’t know how to naturally ask for what I want or need. Sometimes I only express them after an unsuspecting victim tramples on them and I get my feelings hurt. I’m working on imagining myself as an organic garden and remembering I still need sunlight and water to grow into the best me possible. And I’m also working on being ok with needing things.

8. I need to share my feelings once they hit me like a wrecking ball or fester in my anxious, lying mind. I fill in gaps in communication or knowledge with irrational doomsday overthinking. In the same week, I can think I’m a horrible failure at life or work and then also win three awards. It’s perfectly ok to call me out on my craziness and tell me to calm the fuck down. Sometimes I can’t even tell I’m in this dark, dank dungeon of a mind space. Please help me help myself.

9. I can’t and don’t want to meet all the needs of one person ever again. I don’t believe love and/or sex are confined to just one person. I think this is an unrealistic request and it sets people, especially romantic partners, up for failure.

10. I do well with regular check-ins and communication, even if it’s hard for me as an introvert. It helps me know what someone else is thinking and feeling. It also helps silence my anxiety-fueled gremlins.

10 Things I’ve Learned about Myself by Loving Others

It’s never too late…


So, I’m not sure which quote is the proper one and since I love both versions I thought I’d share them together. 

The idea of it never being too late to become who or what you were destined to be is the best way to sum up my journey as a person in this adventure called life. 

I should have grown up to be an addict or a convict like my kin but I am not. I was assumed female at birth but I am not.

I have been really bad about keeping up with this blog due to the craziness and busyness of life so I’m going to share what’s been happening for me since my last post. 

I SURVIVED THE BOOBY BASHER!

St. Marks was trans* AND chocolate friendly
I thought Operation Squish was going to hurt like a MFer but it turns out it really doesn’t hurt much at all. Yes, it is still awkward and it can be uncomfortable for sure. I mean, the tech just grabs one of theGirls and throws her into the Squisher without really even talking much or giving you a heads up. That was a bit new for me. The Side Squish is extra awkward with your body in some unique poses and a quick command to hold your breath for a few seconds. All in all, it was not scary or painful. At the end, I even landed some chocolate love. 

I think most of my anxiety and fear was related to my gender dysphoria and the fear of the unknown. I always get extra nervous the first time I see any new doctor and especially when you know they will get all up in your biz. 

I was worried the staff here would start calling me by my birth name but they knew to ask my preferred name. It probably helped us all get on the right page that I went donning some trans* gear. 

I highly recommend getting your girls squished at St. Mark’s Hospital in SLC if you have to and if you’re trans*. They are extremely professional and trans* aware. Somebody somewhere (and I think her name starts with Dr. L;)) trained them right. THANK YOU, Dr. Luikenaar! I wonder if I could get a tee that says,”I got my Girls squished at St. Mark’s.” I’m sure that would be taken the wrong way, though.

APRIL 5, 2016: THE Day

This is when my whole life changed. I had a special date with Dr. Cori Agarwal that morning. Seriously, it was the best first date ever. Shhhhhh, don’t tell my spouse. 😉

First Day Post Op:

Bosom Buddies:

FIRST WEEK:

NO showering for one week was gross but then  someone  finally discovered dry shampoo!

During this time I was on some hydro for pain and that stuff wreaks havoc on your body. I learned to love prune juice. Well, as much as anyone under 85 could truly love it.

Since I couldn’t really do much myself this week, I had an adult-toddler tantrum mid week and demanded some sort of independence. Shira made me this Self-drinking Hydration System.

FIRST POST OP APPT:

Meet Franken Chest! 

NO more drains! 🙂


​​​
​​​

Real men have bellies. 😉

In all honesty, though, I didn’t realize just how prominent my belly was until after the 4-pounds-worth of Girls were removed. I’m going to own my belly because I love me some pizza and beer. Hey, I’m working on that. 

SECOND POST OP APPT:

NO medical binder anymore! 🙂

It’s never too late…