10 Things I’ve Learned about Myself by Loving Others

1. I do not feel safe when someone yells uncontrollably at me or angrily demands immediate answers. It feels like an interrogation and it triggers my memories of growing up with domestic violence. If this is your kink then please play that game with someone else. You can totally scratch me, bite me, tie me up, pound hard on my chest, and even choke me but don’t fucking yell at me.

2. I freeze emotionally and physically when someone sobs hysterically, especially in public places. I want to be that person who provides comfort in this situation but I don’t know why loud crying (as in the sound of someone getting tortured) brings me to a stopping point.

3. I need extra time to process my feelings and thoughts on major issues. I often wage war with finding out HOW I really feel and expressing feelings I think the other person wants or that I aspire to have. It turns out that I excel at self sacrificing. I think I’m genetically modified to be a martyr. It runs in my family.

4. I don’t do sudden change well but I have the courage and strength to eventually adapt.

5. I’m afraid of spontaneity. See #4.

6. Shame is my dark passenger. It’s like a giant beast strapped to my back that I try not to feed anymore but it happens. I’m a sucker for animals of all types.

7. I don’t know how to naturally ask for what I want or need. Sometimes I only express them after an unsuspecting victim tramples on them and I get my feelings hurt. I’m working on imagining myself as an organic garden and remembering I still need sunlight and water to grow into the best me possible. And I’m also working on being ok with needing things.

8. I need to share my feelings once they hit me like a wrecking ball or fester in my anxious, lying mind. I fill in gaps in communication or knowledge with irrational doomsday overthinking. In the same week, I can think I’m a horrible failure at life or work and then also win three awards. It’s perfectly ok to call me out on my craziness and tell me to calm the fuck down. Sometimes I can’t even tell I’m in this dark, dank dungeon of a mind space. Please help me help myself.

9. I can’t and don’t want to meet all the needs of one person ever again. I don’t believe love and/or sex are confined to just one person. I think this is an unrealistic request and it sets people, especially romantic partners, up for failure.

10. I do well with regular check-ins and communication, even if it’s hard for me as an introvert. It helps me know what someone else is thinking and feeling. It also helps silence my anxiety-fueled gremlins.

10 Things I’ve Learned about Myself by Loving Others

Coming out…again!

Thursday morning of this week, I posted this message below to all my loved ones on Facebook. I’m in a place where I have enough strength, courage, and love to take this leap and set out on a more authentic life journey. After making this post, I have only received loving words of kindness and support. I am SO lucky. I am super proud of myself too. 🙂


Hey, everyone! I woke up this morning with this extra amount of courage so I’m just going to put this out there (before my brain fully wakes up).

I wanted to tell you each about this journey I’m on in person but that’s not really possible. To be honest, I’ve always been on this journey but I wasn’t ready to accept it. I have finally come out as transgender (but have been living as such for years now with my partner, Shira) and am transitioning (I have been on T for 3 months now)! 🙂 

I’m also planning to legally change my name to Aitch M. Alexandar down the road. There’s no need to call me by male pronouns right now because I don’t really feel my outside matches that part of me yet. One day it will, and then I will ask for everyone to call me by them. When that day comes down this very long, exciting, and intimidating road, then I hope you all will respect my request.

Simply put, for the longest time I was confused and thought I was gay but really I’ve felt trapped in the wrong body and gender. I have never identified with the terms lesbian, lady, woman, girl, chica, etc or the name Heather. Even in the military I loved that I was practically seen as one of the boys in my gender-concealing-blob uniforms and was able to go by my gender-neutral names of just Muirhead or Head.

This issue is something I raised in all my relationships quietly and with great trepidation as I tested the waters more and more after each relationship failed. But then I stifled it down out of fear of rejection or feeling like a freak. I was the one most afraid and ashamed.

I had also confided in my young teenage friend, Aiden, and told him how proud I was of his transitioning. I thought I was too old by then and that’s why Aiden’s death (and why I started No More Meanies) hit me so hard in more ways than one. That’s also why Holly leaving to be with a cis man hurt; it seemed to crush my soul for a while. I silently identified with Aiden on a personal level, and I secretly wished I was and looked just like Matty (holly’s current husband). I had so much love for both of these people and so many deep, dark secrets. I was scared to admit this all and didnt want to lose my loved ones. I’ve finally mustered up the courage and have the loving support I need (thank you, everyone, especially Shira, Shakia, and Shari) to live a more authentic life. I hope you all are a part of it too!

Xoxo h.

Coming out…again!